Fear Project Responce

1. I missed the first day so I didn’t see or hear some of the projects. However, out of the ones that I did see was someone dealing with fear of exposure/being the center of attention. I think her name was Lindsey.

2. It’s something that worries me as well. So I could relate. Also, she said that she was sole care-taker for two kids because they’re parents are addicts. That’s pretty intense.

3. I was trying to use an umbrella term to describe what it is that I fear and that fear would fall under the umbrella.

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Fear Project 1-7

1. Fear is something that is experienced when one is unsure of how things may turn out and they worry about that the results may be negative. They fear the unknown.

2. Not to post (although I unwittingly already did).

3. I thought that my original idea would make people curious. And when their curiosity wasn’t satisfied, that they would become anxious. Maybe it wasn’t really dealing with fear. The idea that I ended up going with dealt with my fear of uncertainty rather than everyone else’s. I had no idea what response to expect. So it required me to take a leap of faith and confront my fear of being faced with a situation that I don’t know how things will play out.

4. Present. I did.

5. They seemed to be shocked, upset, and understanding.

6. I guess I can’t really compare it to my hypothesis because I didn’t really hypothesize. My bad.

7. I can’t say that I would make any changes. That’s great because I usually regret things because I see ‘mistakes’. This is what creates the fear in the first place; that I will later regret the results. I don’t here though.

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Why to Let Go: Freedom

One day I was standing around in a room; minding my own business. My brother came from nowhere and started to push me around. He was yelling; ordering me to leave the room. I was just trying to stay on my feet and reason with him. I didn’t know why he was behaving this way. Rather than reason, he threw me to the floor, jumped on my back, and spent the next several minutes waylaying the back of my head. At the time he weighed about 60 pounds more than me. I couldn’t move. I could lift or roll or anything. I just had to lay on my stomach and take it like a man. I never did find out why he did that.

About four years later, it came up in a conversation. He was just like, “I never did that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what happened but whatever it was, you probably deserved it. You probably made me mad or something.” What a wonderful excuse. Does this mean that, if I get mad and want to kill someone, that it’s justifiable? Sure, I’m not perfect, no one is, but does this mean that we should all physically assault one another in order to punish each other for all the mistakes we make? Since then, I’ve promised myself not to allow anything like that happen again.

Toward the end of this last winter break there was an incident. For an hour or two he just talked non-stop. I had to spend an entire meal listening to him continually tell my parents that they didn’t know anything; that they were stupid, mean, and soulless. Yeah, god forbid they ask him to be responsible for himself rather than live parasitically off of others. For over an hour I had to hear him talk about he’s just the smartest, nicest, strongest, best, most victimized, greatest person alive; how the rest of the family is bad, mean, evil, stupid, crazy, stupid, insane, psychotic, and soulless; how he didn’t want to see his own grandmother again before she dies; how he wants to build a castle with bulletproof glass to protect him from all the ‘evil’ people (and supposedly I’m the insane one).

I’ve always had a bad temper but I was keeping cool through all of this. The rage had built though. I went to my room after the meal. I thought to myself that if he left me alone for 2 or 3 hours that I might cool off enough that nothing would happen. 2 or 3 minutes later he’s banging on my door, yelling and bitching because apparently I can never do anything right and I made another ‘mistake’. I had had enough of the bull shit. I opened the door and, without a word, just started to push/walk him down the hall away from my room. I didn’t want violence but I was not going to put up with it then. That’s when he began to push back… escalation. My energy went from 0 to 100 in a second flat. I’ll let you use your imagination over what ensued. I’m not saying that I did the right thing or anything but I did what I considered to be what was necessary. He ran out of the house and sped off to college a day or two early.

To explain the title, what I’ve had to deal with my entire life, is someone who always has to have their way and throws a fit like a little girl when things don’t go the way they want them to. Hey, that’s part of life get the fuck used to it. If you can’t you might as well just crawl into the grave early because apparently you’re too good to face the reality that this is an imperfect world. Dealing with this has led me to have a view that one should not allow themself to be told what to believe, think, or do. I also think that, in return one should not impose their delusions onto others. Rather than try to control things, I think that one should learn to take a risk and let the chips fall where they will. I think that it’s best to let go and just accept things as they are, not as one wants them to be.

This and other instances have led me to initially distrust people. I keep an eye out for what I find may just be a form of deception, manipulation, or dishonesty. Some may say that that seems paranoid but as I said before, I’m looking to make sure that I don’t make the same mistake twice. However on that note, I recently read an article that stated that doctors had found that multiple concussions causes one to become more aggressive, explosive, paranoid, and depressed. It’s a possibility.

That’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading and, hopefully, understanding.

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Talking stick

I didn’t care for it because it made things take more time and effort. I see how it could get people to listen a little more but I tend to be pretty quiet and more of a listener in the first place so it didn’t really help me at all.

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Things that prevent me from doing what I want to:

1. My limited knowledge

2. Anything that I’m required to do by other people (assignments, like what I’m doing right now)

3. Interruptions by an annoying individual who shall remain nameless

4. My own leisurely way of doing things; I take my time (too much time?)

1 will always be a problem but increasingly less. 2 will probably always be a problem. 3 won’t always be a problem (at least I certainly hope it won’t). 4 will probably always be that way; that’s just me.

I wouldn’t worry about 1, 3, and 4; they just take time and effort. 2 is the biggest pain in the ass (not necessarily in this case though). One solution would be to blow that bull shit off but then it just becomes a bigger problem; especially when deadlines are involved. That creates more stress, which leads to anger, which prevents one from thinking clearly, which makes accomplishing the bull shit goal even more difficult, which leads to more frustration… See the cycle? Another solution would be to get it done and then do whatever it is that I want to. However, in some cases, I still end up in the cycle. The only solution is the eradication of the existence of deadlines in the world… Yeah, that’s definitely going to happen.

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Look and See

I mentioned in my last post that I have a file which contains a lot of thoughts and quotes that I like. I took another look at it and I noticed that I have seen some of the most quoted individuals being classified as anarchists. These people include Ralph Waldo Emerson, Gandhi, and Albert Camus. I don’t know whether or not that’s supposed to say something about me. I’ve never thought of myself in that way but maybe it’s something to look into in more depth.

I also realized that stupidity may very well be the most prevalent word of any significance within the document. As for what that says about me…

I’ll leave you with some quotes just for the hell of it:

Nothing external to you has any power over you – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine -Bruce Lee

To understand the true quality of people, you must look into their minds, and examine their pursuits and aversions – Marcus Aurelius

A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that’s unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push – Ludwig Wittgenstein

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child – George Santayana

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Inspiration pt.II

Due to my interest in philosophy, I was asked to explore the deeper meaning of a computer mouse. What I realized is that it could be seen as a symbol of control or power. The operator has an autonomous presence in the realm of the computer; if they tell a file to open, it opens (we’ll ignore technological errors in this instance). I also began to think, a person’s computer tells you things about the person. It is kind of a physical form of the concept “inner-world”. For instance, the music files that I have on my laptop tell you things about me. Also, the amount tells you something as well. If one has no music on their computer, maybe they aren’t as interested in music. On the flip side, if one has tons of music, it’s probably a good bet that music means a lot to them. The wallpaper and other decorative settings may also tell you something. My current wallpaper is of The Clash’s London Calling album cover. This says that they are one of my favorite bands and that the album is one of my favorite albums as well. The types of programs they have and which ones are used most also says something. The files they have are probably either things that they enjoy reading, agree with, or (most likely) that they made them selves. Any of these things reveals things about the individual. I, personally, have a file in which I collect a lot of my thoughts. It also contains a lot of quotes from other people. So that one file would definitely tell one a lot about me. Now if one don’t have much on their computer, or the settings are generic, then maybe they don’t use it very much or they just got a new one. At any rate, I think one could look at a computer as a “physical inner-world”. Going back to the mouse, the reason that this could be possible is that the person has control over the things that happen. The mouse gives them the power to do (especially considering the limitless possibilities of the internet) many different things. Which things they decide to do or not do with the power is, literally, in their hands.

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