One day I was standing around in a room; minding my own business. My brother came from nowhere and started to push me around. He was yelling; ordering me to leave the room. I was just trying to stay on my feet and reason with him. I didn’t know why he was behaving this way. Rather than reason, he threw me to the floor, jumped on my back, and spent the next several minutes waylaying the back of my head. At the time he weighed about 60 pounds more than me. I couldn’t move. I could lift or roll or anything. I just had to lay on my stomach and take it like a man. I never did find out why he did that.
About four years later, it came up in a conversation. He was just like, “I never did that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what happened but whatever it was, you probably deserved it. You probably made me mad or something.” What a wonderful excuse. Does this mean that, if I get mad and want to kill someone, that it’s justifiable? Sure, I’m not perfect, no one is, but does this mean that we should all physically assault one another in order to punish each other for all the mistakes we make? Since then, I’ve promised myself not to allow anything like that happen again.
Toward the end of this last winter break there was an incident. For an hour or two he just talked non-stop. I had to spend an entire meal listening to him continually tell my parents that they didn’t know anything; that they were stupid, mean, and soulless. Yeah, god forbid they ask him to be responsible for himself rather than live parasitically off of others. For over an hour I had to hear him talk about he’s just the smartest, nicest, strongest, best, most victimized, greatest person alive; how the rest of the family is bad, mean, evil, stupid, crazy, stupid, insane, psychotic, and soulless; how he didn’t want to see his own grandmother again before she dies; how he wants to build a castle with bulletproof glass to protect him from all the ‘evil’ people (and supposedly I’m the insane one).
I’ve always had a bad temper but I was keeping cool through all of this. The rage had built though. I went to my room after the meal. I thought to myself that if he left me alone for 2 or 3 hours that I might cool off enough that nothing would happen. 2 or 3 minutes later he’s banging on my door, yelling and bitching because apparently I can never do anything right and I made another ‘mistake’. I had had enough of the bull shit. I opened the door and, without a word, just started to push/walk him down the hall away from my room. I didn’t want violence but I was not going to put up with it then. That’s when he began to push back… escalation. My energy went from 0 to 100 in a second flat. I’ll let you use your imagination over what ensued. I’m not saying that I did the right thing or anything but I did what I considered to be what was necessary. He ran out of the house and sped off to college a day or two early.
To explain the title, what I’ve had to deal with my entire life, is someone who always has to have their way and throws a fit like a little girl when things don’t go the way they want them to. Hey, that’s part of life get the fuck used to it. If you can’t you might as well just crawl into the grave early because apparently you’re too good to face the reality that this is an imperfect world. Dealing with this has led me to have a view that one should not allow themself to be told what to believe, think, or do. I also think that, in return one should not impose their delusions onto others. Rather than try to control things, I think that one should learn to take a risk and let the chips fall where they will. I think that it’s best to let go and just accept things as they are, not as one wants them to be.
This and other instances have led me to initially distrust people. I keep an eye out for what I find may just be a form of deception, manipulation, or dishonesty. Some may say that that seems paranoid but as I said before, I’m looking to make sure that I don’t make the same mistake twice. However on that note, I recently read an article that stated that doctors had found that multiple concussions causes one to become more aggressive, explosive, paranoid, and depressed. It’s a possibility.
That’s all I have to say. Thanks for reading and, hopefully, understanding.